Once we had completed
primping freshening up, we loaded up in Candance's mini-van swagger wagon and headed off to the outlet mall. After navigating through Houston traffic (without the use of our "pretty finger" ) we made it to the mall and tried to find a parking space. After we went up and down a couple of rows, I told her to turn down this one particular aisle because I had a feeling there was going to be a good one there. Let me tell you – Miss Cleo could have learned a thing or two from me that day because there was a parking space three (3!) spaces from the entrance to the mall. It was as if the parking space gods had created it just for us.
Now, there were only a few stores that were MUST dos on the agenda – Aeropostale and American Eagle – so because of the magnificent parking space, we were right by the Aeropostale store, inside and shopping within 5 minutes of leaving the car.
Y’all it was back-to-school shopping hell I tell you. So crowded it would have made Justin Bieber’s little mall incident look like a sip and see. Seriously. Eventually, Miss Grace finds all that she wants and we make our way to the line to check out.
And then it happened.
I had been holding some of the items for her (because I’m kind and courteous like that) and Grace and I got in line behind Christy, with Candance following behind, at the very same time a very tall, and quite angry I might add, woman was walking up. Candance (because she was raised right) said, “Excuse me” as she followed me in line and when the lady asked if we were all together, told her, “Yes, we’re together; that’s her aunt.” That’s when Angry Lady said, “Well, who’s paying for all that? Is it one of you, or all of y’all paying separately?” Candance tried to be nice. Really she did. She sweetly told the lady she it was none of her business. Well, Angry Lady should have left it at that but noooooo – she had to keep on mouthing off. Candance finally had enough - she turned around to Madea, pointed at her and said “Look Sister – you just shut your pie hole right now!” as she put something down on the floor in order to get something out of her purse. Because she’s Candance’s daughter, Grace’s first thought was “No Mama – don’t take your shoe off!” thinking she was going to beat the lady with it. Y’all this lady never ever shut up. She kept saying things about Candance just “blowing hot” (air I guess?) and that she didn’t want to mess with her today. That she didn’t want to go to jail on her “birfday” but she would if she had to. And it was at this point where Candance, and not with her inside voice, said “Y’all, I try to be a nice lady every G*% Damn day but people like this make it hard.”
Needless to say when we did make it up the register, the clerks were DYING laughing but trying so hard not to let it be known they were laughing. See, they had heard everything. They knew Madea was being stupid and thought we were cute. Duh. Anyway, as Candance is paying for everything, she tells the clerk in the sweetest, dripping with honey, quiet(er) voice, “Y’all might want to check her bag. I think I saw her put something in it.” I almost peed my pants right then and there.
Needless to say, every store we went into we used the “Sister shut your pie hole right now” phrase as well as the “try to be a nice lady every GD day.” All the other clerks in all the other stores thought we were precious because they wondered what in the world we were talking about and couldn’t imagine anyone being rude to us.
Guess who we saw about 84,000 times after we left Aeropostale?
Oh yes I did take her picture. What you don’t see is that I made Grace and Z stand there like I was taking their picture and then at the last minute, moved my focus slightly to the right.
Since this post is
ridiculously more than probably long enough for one day, I’ll continue the story tomorrow. About the possessed bird that attempted to peck Candance’s eyes out, the fancy dinner out we attempted and even more. I swear y’all. We might just be the poster children for Traveler’s Aid.